It was Sunday night and I had gathered alongside 6 others queers to watch the season finale of the L Word: Generation Q. It had become somewhat of a weekly ritual, and while I didn't join the watch party until nearly mid-season, I had still become invested in the characters, story lines, and the lively discussions we would have after the conclusion of an episode. I know for a fact that 5 out of the 7 of us identify as non-monogamous. I would also like to premise this article with a disclaimer: This article is in no way to be construed as a value judgment on the many different ways people choose to define their relationships with others. It is niether an attack on polyamory, nor polyamorous individuals. It is to be presumed that people who engage in relationships involving more than two people are consensually non-monogamous. Moreover, I do not view monogamy as a matter of being better or worse than non-monogamous couples. It's truly about what works best for people as both, individuals and as partners. Notwithstanding the aforementioned disclaimer, before several people tune this article out merely because it doesn't side with their viewpoint or someone sadly mistakes an opinion for a personal attack, please hear me out.
This article may be triggering for some, but please know that it's not my intention to do so. My goal and objective is to merely present my opinion on a topic. That is the beauty and guarantee of the First Amendment. Government regulations that target the content of speech (i.e., draws distinctions based on the message being delivered/communication of specific ideas) must pass a very high level of scrutiny in order to be held valid. The goal is not to have a chilling effect on speech. Anyway, I digress. The season finale wrapped up with Alice Pieszecki, one of the main characters on the show, exiting a "throuple" (i.e., a relationship of three) and returning back to what the queer viewing party perceived as "the mundane world of monogamy". This was highly troubling to me because rather than admiring the fact that the character was open and receptive to the needs of her partner, in addition to being willing to try a relationship in which her primary partner's ex-wife was introduced into the relationship, all the group saw was a historic loss for polyamory everywhere. Instead, the group made comments about "toxic monogamy" and how it is ruining relationships. The character simply set a boundary upon discovering that she was unable to have her needs met in the relationship and exited the partnership leaving her partner free to make her own choices.
Upon hearing these comments, I felt invalidated, misunderstood, and as if I were being stripped of my queer cardholder privileges. The best argument against monogamy is its current success rate (it's not doing so well) and ineffective execution. More importantly, that the rate of failure stems from a lack of communication and the misconception that societal pretenses take priority over authenticity. It is more evident than ever before that monogamy may not be for everyone (e.g., there are too many affairs, alternative marital arrangements, sex workers (this is not to say that healthy individuals do not also seek out sex work), mistresses, and sex therapists). I highly encourage people to only enter into arrangements and partnerships that make the most sense for all parties. Any relationship, including ones with ourselves require emotional intelligence, time management, honesty, love, compassion, boundaries, positive conflict resolution skills, romance, core principles, intellectual growth, fun, perseverance, communication, and fun. Of course this list will vary for everyone, but after spending some quality time with myself (i.e., single four years and counting), these are the things I discovered that I need for the long haul. I also know that I want a long-term, MONOGAMOUS relationship with someone. That doesn't mean that I'm trapped in toxic monogamy (e.g., expecting one person to complete me, the normalization of jealousy as a love language, equating time spent as an indicator of the relationship's value, accepting controlling behaviors, refusing to understand my partner's need which may exist outside of me, and seeing my self-value as being directly linked to a relationship).
The truth is, maybe I'm just a traditional LGBT or Queer gal like Alice. I see and respect unions of all kinds and truly believe in living a life where I make space for ideas, thoughts, lifestyles, and other things that don't necessarily mirror my views because I have found that I grow most when I'm out of my element and my value systems are challenged. However, I know what my needs are. That doesn't mean that I can't still oppose forced heteronormativity, believe in nontraditional gender roles, protest for better treatment of trans people, equal pay for women, vigilantly fight to end racism, resist the commoditization of Black people in the LGBT community, support education, ending the stigmatization of mental health issues, advocate for animals, and still want a monogamous relationship at the end of the day. I think it's important for people fighting for equality and tolerance to still remember to pay the same courtesies forward to those giving love and respect back. It's okay to be queer and still not be polyamorous, and that's a safe boundary to have and hold regardless of what's trending and what's best for others.
#monogamy #polyamory #equality #lgbt #sandiego #california #sex #queer #single #sexeducation #safespace
