For the past two years, I've been mentally suspended by an intractable dilemma. A choice between telling the truth and continuing to suffer in silence knowing that each decision will come with its own separate array of problems. Two years after seeking psychiatric help, joining multiple activity clubs, and struggling each day to reclaim my life, I am still haunted by the trauma Jamie Beck inflicted upon my life. Elvin Semrad once said, "The greatest source of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves". I am exhausted lying to myself that I'm okay and confused because I keep searching down the halls of my mind for the happy, charismatic woman who existed long before the damage. I often wonder if I will ever be the same, or if this is just my burden to forever shoulder now. I am not okay and what this person did to me is not okay. Long after the events have passed, the body has kept count. I still feel shame for allowing someone to mentally and physically take advantage of me. I still get angry when I am reminded of the fact she defamed me in ways that not only could've taken away my ability to practice law, but my freedom as well. Please let this sink in for a moment: This person, who also happens to be an attorney fully capable of appreciating the consequences of her actions, was willing to have me wrongfully jailed in order to evade the ramifications of her own actions.
There are times when I'll have flashbacks and remain immobilized for what feels like hours, staring back at a paralyzed–frantic–and afraid version of myself in the mirror. I feel helpless and my chest tightens all while trying to reach into my mental anxiety relief toolbox for a technique to calm my breathing. Jamie Beck wielded her white privilege, occupational status, and socioeconomic class over me. She would go on to weaponize my best attributes against me and exploit my weaknesses to gain power. I met Ms. Beck at my best. It was the summer following the completion of my 1L year and the first time I've ever experienced the season in San Diego. In this short time, I had persevered through homelessness and a messy breakup with my partner of 5 years. My homelessness being a direct result of my former partner without warning, taking a massive sum of money out of our joint bank account (and running off with someone new while we were still together). 9 months later, I was back on top. That is, until I met Jamie. I will never forget the first time our eyes met–there was a strange air of familiarity, like we might've met before. We talked for hours and because I have good self-control when it comes to drinking (it's not really my vice of choice), I was able to dance the night away while ignoring the first red flag. She attempted to lower my inhibitions with alcohol instead of trusting the natural chemistry that we had together–and I would've gone by my own volition.
I admired her drive, charismatic personality, ambition, intellect. I was proud and rooting for her from a distance: I hardly knew her beyond one long bar conversation, but I was in awe to see (from the outside at least) a successful woman in the legal field. By the time I made it to the taxi, I had missed the sidebar she was having with her ex-husband. She would later tell me they both said, "not the law student". However they both chose to proceed anyway. Today, I've learned to place this introduction into context and I no longer feel guilt associated with loving some of my abuser's positive attributes. Undoubtedly Jamie and the relationship had some positive aspects that I enjoyed—and on some days, truly miss. Otherwise, I would've never been drawn to her or the relationship in the first place. This chance encounter is the premise to what would become the most turbulent 9 months of my life. Despite knowing she was married, our intimacy came at a price. After months of spending time with Jamie, what was once a welcomed distraction from the rigors of law school and work, turned into love. I knew my limits, and knew I couldn't continue this arrangement. So one day after exercising and conversing about the week in the park, I decided to tell her my truth. I spoke of my feelings and how I couldn't continue seeing her because the love I had for her exceeded the bounds of what was appropriate. She feigned understanding, but would later go on to say that the rules of her marriage were the equivalent of arbitrary lines drawn in the sand. For me, this wasn't enough and since I did not wish to cause the dissolution of said marriage, I departed reluctantly.
They say love is neither selfish nor unkind, so I did the right thing even though it hurt me so bad. However, I was at peace and I knew with enough time, we could be friends. I welcomed this thought and began picking my life up where I left off. Law school, networking, and work became my top priorities again–until she reached back out 3 weeks later only for me to run back willingly into the fire again. Jamie knew I wanted to go into cannabis law, and sent me a not–so–harmless email about an event while I was trying to heal. She explained that she thought I'd be interested and how she wouldn't be there if I wanted to attend. Not enough time had passed and I was absolutely devastated–all the emotions rebuilding up inside of me. I furiously typed back I could not go on this way and admittedly called her names I wish never to repeat. It's not an excuse, but my boundaries were continuously being crossed which is evident by the fact she replied that she would leave me alone–but she didn't. Less than two weeks later, we were both carrying on per usual, lying to ourselves that this could work all the while ignoring our true feelings. This house of cards fell quickly...In celebration of founding Free to Thrive, Jamie left the country for three weeks. However, not before admitting her true feelings for me and then later texting me from the plane in contradiction that she might come back from Europe pregnant. Her roller-coaster of perplex emotions followed by ardent denials rejection only to come back around again as loving admissions and acceptance lasted for 7 months.
When I tried to walk away a second time, she used her power and influence. Jamie explained how she had connections and access to networks I could not reach without her help. I came back because she lied about where she was in the separation process from her husband and said she genuinely wanted to get to know me for a change. Somehow I successfully completed my summer classes, an internship, and survived moot court tryouts. I was gas-lighted, told things such as, "I was happy until you came along". I was sent text messages with false claims of violent threats I never made. Despite us mutually exchanging songs, she said I sent her bay rapper G-Eazy's song, "I Mean It" as a means of intimidation.When I told her the stresses of law school, the untimely death of a friend, and this situation with her was causing me to feel suicidal, she laughed. She laughed and told me she wasn't worth it. Having been through law school herself, she also made the selfish decision to continue toying with my emotions during one of the most pivotal times in my life. Months later, I told her husband how I felt about her. I also asked after three months of us going back and forth over our emotions for one another, for her to come with me so that we could start an honest life together. Her response to both of us was silence. Jamie Beck told people that I was a violent person and that I made her feel unsafe in order to emerge from wreckage as a victim instead of a villain. It's true, after having my character dragged through the mud and wondering why she showed up to a place I told her to avoid if she wished not to see me, I showed up at her house unannounced. When asked to leave, despite my compliance, she attempted to call 9-1-1 and have me thrown in jail in order to give justification to the lies she told about me being dangerous and unsafe.
In a world where unarmed Black people are being killed by the police for crimes they did not commit, she chose to place my life, freedom, and clean record with law enforcement on the line. Should I have shown up unannounced, absolutely not. It's not an excuse; I showed up because I was upset, confused, hurt, and desperate to fix whatever she thought was wrong despite every injustice she had inflicted upon me. My own childhood trauma coaxed me into believing that I was the problem and part of me wanted to be the problem because that meant that the power to change things for the better was in my hands. I would like to believe I made some positive changes in her life as well. I presented someone who knew how to take life lightly at times, I inspired her to come out, live her truth, I loved making her smile, and her laugh was the soundtrack of my summer. I gave her courage and confidence and she (at her best) did the same for me. The final straw came when she ghosted me after writing a false email alleging that I left bruises on her arms and physically assaulted her. I would never lay my hands on another human being out of anger or emotion. This situation left me mentally afraid because I wasn't sure if I was coming back to San Diego from Christmas Break to be greeted by police. I do not have family, so I contacted my dean and a mentor whom I trusted about the situation. Jamie called this blackmail despite my motive never being to exact payment or anything else out of her. It was for my own sake and safety, however, she valued her reputation in the legal community more than my life.
A person could simply chalk her actions up to stress or emotional upheaval, but that would be oversimplifying things. They say one's true character is shown in times of crisis and if her response to crisis was to have someone else's life taken away from them, gaslight them, use them, and blame all of her life's problems on them, then I say that is proof enough of Jamie Beck's character. For anyone reading this, separate the person's worth from their work, the media publicity, the articles praising their achievements, and workplace standing. You can still be a bad person, but do good things. I say these things because as a victim, I've seen me and other people's pain dismissed because of these things. Believe victims, support victims, hear victims, and don't silence them. I have been left to pick up the pieces up my life, while she has gone on with hers—discarding me like nothing more than trash. It baffles me how a woman who rallies around the Black Lives Matter banner and fights for women who've survived trafficking, and women's rights could ever do the things she did to another woman. I tell this story because I wasn't able to heal in silence, I needed the support of a community to get through this. I also tell it because silence wasn't changing the fact that I loved and trusted someone in my community who abused their position of trust. Jamie Beck is only capable of looking at other people as opportunities and agendas because she isn't doing the work to heal her own trauma. While hurt people tend to hurt other people, and hurt people are more susceptible to these predatory practices, it doesn't diminish the fact that trauma was inflicted. Integrity is not an attribute that is gained overnight, and I've never wished ill-will upon her. It would be too easy to remain angry and do so, but it would make me no better than her. Friedrich Nietzsche once said when fighting with monsters take care that you don't become one yourself.
In the spirit of this quote, I shall continue to love. I will not let her mistreatment of me turn into my mistreatment of her. I have always believed that while you don't have to love me, but you don't have to hurt me either. Others reading this might even think, well this is just a case of someone who didn't love me. If that were the issue, why didn't think person just leave instead of making up stories of me threatening them and wanting to do them physical harm to the extent that they were willing to take the time to type out to me that I had done things I've never imagined? This goes deeper and I hope that is evident because I've never done that to anyone before. When we were together, Jamie told me that I was unlike anyone she had ever met in San Diego, when I had surpassed my usefulness to her I immediately became the bad minority. I am going to continue down my path of healing, forgive her even though she is not sorry, and take solace in the fact that I'm still standing. I struggle to remember that I am worthy of love, that I'm still passionate, kind, giving, intelligent, and not the person I was made to believe I was in order to make her lies make sense. Whether she actually ever loved me, or I was just an easy way out of a marriage she no longer wished to participate in, I cannot say. I just have to realize that what is done is done and continue to love my way out of the pain. I am confident that I will heal and be able to trust people again.
