Not All Queers are Polyamorous and that's OK

It was Sunday night and I had gathered alongside 6 others queers to watch the season finale of the L Word: Generation Q. It had become somewhat of a weekly ritual, and while I didn't join the watch party until nearly mid-season, I had still become invested in the characters, story lines, and the lively discussions we would have after the conclusion of an episode. I know for a fact that 5 out of the 7 of us identify as non-monogamous. I would also like to premise this article with a disclaimer: This article is in no way to be construed as a value judgment on the many different ways people choose to define their relationships with others. It is niether an attack on polyamory, nor polyamorous individuals. It is to be presumed that people who engage in relationships involving more than two people are consensually non-monogamous. Moreover, I do not view monogamy as a matter of being better or worse than non-monogamous couples. It's truly about what works best for people as both, individuals and as partners. Notwithstanding the aforementioned disclaimer, before several people tune this article out merely because it doesn't side with their viewpoint or someone sadly mistakes an opinion for a personal attack, please hear me out.

This article may be triggering for some, but please know that it's not my intention to do so. My goal and objective is to merely present my opinion on a topic. That is the beauty and guarantee of the First Amendment. Government regulations that target the content of speech (i.e., draws distinctions based on the message being delivered/communication of specific ideas) must pass a very high level of scrutiny in order to be held valid. The goal is not to have a chilling effect on speech. Anyway, I digress. The season finale wrapped up with Alice Pieszecki, one of the main characters on the show, exiting a "throuple" (i.e., a relationship of three) and returning back to what the queer viewing party perceived as "the mundane world of monogamy". This was highly troubling to me because rather than admiring the fact that the character was open and receptive to the needs of her partner, in addition to being willing to try a relationship in which her primary partner's ex-wife was introduced into the relationship, all the group saw was a historic loss for polyamory everywhere. Instead, the group made comments about "toxic monogamy" and how it is ruining relationships. The character simply set a boundary upon discovering that she was unable to have her needs met in the relationship and exited the partnership leaving her partner free to make her own choices.

Upon hearing these comments, I felt invalidated, misunderstood, and as if I were being stripped of my queer cardholder privileges. The best argument against monogamy is its current success rate (it's not doing so well) and ineffective execution. More importantly, that the rate of failure stems from a lack of communication and the misconception that societal pretenses take priority over authenticity. It is more evident than ever before that monogamy may not be for everyone (e.g., there are too many affairs, alternative marital arrangements, sex workers (this is not to say that healthy individuals do not also seek out sex work), mistresses, and sex therapists). I highly encourage people to only enter into arrangements and partnerships that make the most sense for all parties. Any relationship, including ones with ourselves require emotional intelligence, time management, honesty, love, compassion, boundaries, positive conflict resolution skills, romance, core principles, intellectual growth, fun, perseverance, communication, and fun. Of course this list will vary for everyone, but after spending some quality time with myself (i.e., single four years and counting), these are the things I discovered that I need for the long haul. I also know that I want a long-term, MONOGAMOUS relationship with someone. That doesn't mean that I'm trapped in toxic monogamy (e.g., expecting one person to complete me, the normalization of jealousy as a love language, equating time spent as an indicator of the relationship's value, accepting controlling behaviors, refusing to understand my partner's need which may exist outside of me, and seeing my self-value as being directly linked to a relationship).

The truth is, maybe I'm  just a traditional LGBT or Queer gal like Alice. I see and respect unions of all kinds and truly believe in living a life where I make space for ideas, thoughts, lifestyles, and other things that don't necessarily mirror my views because I have found that I grow most when I'm out of my element and my value systems are challenged. However, I know what my needs are. That doesn't mean that I can't still oppose forced heteronormativity, believe in nontraditional gender roles, protest for better treatment of trans people, equal pay for women, vigilantly fight to end racism, resist the commoditization of Black people in the LGBT community, support education, ending the stigmatization of mental health issues, advocate for animals, and still want a monogamous relationship at the end of the day. I think it's important for people fighting for equality and tolerance to still remember to pay the same courtesies forward to those giving love and respect back. It's okay to be queer and still not be polyamorous, and that's a safe boundary to have and hold regardless of what's trending and what's best for others.

#monogamy #polyamory #equality #lgbt #sandiego #california #sex #queer #single #sexeducation #safespace

Inequality in Equal Spaces

Amed S. Mullins
December 20, 2019

11:11 AM PST

The San Diego LGBT Center is as out of touch with its Black members as someone watching a foreign film without subtitles. First and foremost, when in doubt about which foods to serve at a predominantly Black event, go with neutral pizza. It’s the smorgasbord or ice cream of large volume meals for meetings, there’s a little something (usually) for everyone. Personally, I did not think soul food was an appropriate choice for a place that has apparently lacked soul for quite some time. I have only been in San Diego going on four years, but I heard one gentlemen remark that this crowd, amongst whom I had the honor of participating in, was the most Black people the Center has seen inside its doors in over 47 years. While there were round tables of Blacks enjoying the stereotypical soul food the Center thought appropriate for its Black patrons, a decision like most decisions concerning Black matters, was most likely made without consulting a single Black person. I digress­–While there were tables spread out across the room of novel Black faces,  if we were all to have been seated in rows, we would not have covered even half of the large events space. That is to say that there were very few Black people in attendance, and those few were the most that had been seen in almost over 47 years.

In other words, this town hall should’ve been given the sensitivity and care deserving of such a momentous occasion. An occasion where important personnel were in present, a moderator facilitated meaningful dialogue amongst participants, and the meeting given the same levels of preparation as any other event would’ve received. Instead, groups were forced to come together in order to share questionnaires, and then given a highly unreasonable time to respond to even one of the five or so prompts. I believe we were given two full minutes. Moreover, there wasn’t any kind of question and response format in place whatsoever. The Black Town Hall descended into chaos while the Center representatives sat back and essentially smiled as the house burned. It also didn’t help that an already fragmented and socially neglected Black San Diego was not prepared to talk about its pain and suffering. Most stood up and told stories of blatant, discrimination that had generally been experienced  to some degree by every Black person in the room. Stories that have become the rudimentary norm in the world’s biggest influencer, America. Let the generations of psychological pain sink in for a moment. Others spoke truths about the past and a dire need for a generation willing to fight as hard as our strong Black leaders of the civil rights era, a lot of whom would still be with us if not for perpetual white violence. A small few made attempts to paint the Center as a welcoming place. Whether this is in fact the case, or these individuals suffer from Stockholm Syndrome, one simply cannot say.

The night ended just as it began: A lot of hurt and unresolved issues laid strewn about, intermingled in with the soul food. Whites perplexed and shut down by their dystopian ideas of diversity and inclusion being challenged. The shock of having to be open to the idea of unfairness when it is not a relatable concept to those who always benefitted from things being systematically kept this way. To add injury to insult, the night also brought about the dismal news that the Center would be furloughing a second meeting concerning the town hall until further notice. A terrible decision which has the detrimental impact of causing such a much-needed movement to lose a large amount of much-needed support. As of now, the follow-up to the fall town hall is scheduled for January of 2020.

The LGBT Center of San Diego conspicuously allowed for a Black movement, opportunity for  change, dialogue, opportunity, equality, and true progress to be calendared out for months. In my opinion, this is tangible evidence showing that the Center has does not have any true intentions of helping the Black Community here in San Diego. Or, at minimum, a strong desire to keep the symptoms alive in hopes of distracting people from the realization of a cure. The Black community should be demanding fair access to resources, including jobs, and making the Center a place where it won’t take another 47 years to assemble a small group of Black individuals. I spoke at the town hall advocating for vocational and job placement opportunities for everyone, especially LGBT Black youth who are continually serving as the faces homelessness and a disproportionate number of arrests in the city. I also suggested having more POC inclusive groups and diversity training for the staff. All of these suggestions appear to have fallen on deaf ears because it wasn’t until I personally was a victim of the Center’s neglect that I realized how important it is for things to change. And this is not to say that everything about the Center is inherently good or inherently bad.

To reiterate, the aim and objective of this piece is not to simply bash the Center, but to raise awareness about things going on within the community. It is a cry for help in hopes of getting other people to care about a social issue that doesn’t necessarily impact them directly, but has dire consequences for everyone. The continual neglect, abuse, and exploitation of Black people (We are still being traded into slavery in 2019 on our own continent to place that claim into context) is how we got to the point of having Donald Trump as president. I want to vomit every time I hear people speak about being disgusted over this fact because all he does is serve as a greater manifestation of the hatred and racism existing amongst the American people. Rather than being angry at his appointment to office, where is the outrage over the nation’s retrogression back into slavery, a state that the country never truly left? Police across the nation still declaring open season on little Black boys and girls? Black trans folks dying left and right? Children dying in ICE detention camps? But if only we were truly outraged, then we would’ve demanded something be done a long time ago, and since all of America to busy being asleep at the wheel, our country’s leaders have had to wipe the drool from our faces with this proffered impeachment hearing “hankie”. And please believe that it wasn’t done for the benefit of the American people.

He has always been above the law. His creation of a hostile workplace via misogyny, overt racism (i.e., “shithole” countries remark, Trump’s role in the Central Park Five trial, advocating attacks against four non-white congresswomen at a rally in Greenville, North Carolina, his affiliation with domestic white terrorist organizations), etc.), embezzling money away from his own publicly-funded charity intended to support veterans groups, his affinity for dictators, an appalling response to the Hurricane Irma and Maria in Puerto Rico, and the list just goes on...To bring this all home, if this is what is happening at the federal level, then let it come as no surprise that this kind of behavior is going on inside people’s communities. All of this being based on the popular legal fiction that governments and communities are a reflections of its people. It is time that we demand change and better from these institutions and contemplating the creation of our on in times of extreme neglect rather than waiting for change that has a historical record of never being within reach without the implementation of self-help, especially for the Black community.

#sandiego #usa #california #sd #padres #sports #sunshinestate 

A Letter to Todd Weiller R-Woods Cross

This image was put in place of the one depicting an adult male Utahan wearing a shirt that reads, "Porn Kills Love". I didn't want to risk any kind of legal backlash...enjoy.

I'm assuming you've never had sex before, and that your four children are the benevolent products of immaculate conception. Declaring pornography a "public health crisis" not only undervalues the public's right to choose and our First Amendment Rights, but it also marginalizes the importance of sex and relationships. If we all want to be adults about this, your futile attempts to censor the internet isn't about sex or children at all. It's all about control of information being received by the population. I don't know if the words sex and children in the same sentence elicits the same amount of vomit in the back of your throat as it does mine, but we all know Utah is infamous for using children as human shields for bigotry.

I hear a lot of politicians in this state yelling, "Protect our children!", yet the age of consent here is 16 for women. And you still have the audacity to say porn is normalizing violence and abuse against women? Not to mention there are only 50 states, and we are #50 in education spending! I'm sure people didn't think it could get any worse, oh but it does: Utah is also #1 in the nation for child sex abuse. So yes, if this is the state's idea of "children are the future", as the song goes, "teach them well and let them lead the way". Spend the least amount of money on their education as possible. It seems to equate to a straight from school to porn-star pipeline. Perhaps the slogan for an upcoming campaign I'm sure.

Aside from children, it's also affecting adults which are supposed to serve as the pillars of our society. We are #1 for prescription drug abuse as well. This state continues to put up statistics completely contradictory of the things the state's morality police claim to be fighting. So yes, if you want to declare a war on child pornography, by all means, PLEASE GET CHILD PORN AND PEDOPHILES OFF THE STREETS. I hope that's at least one thing we can agree on. The thing is, instead of using this as an opportunity to do some societal good, you're bludgeoning your way through an army of law abiding adults wishing to watch materials involving two (or more) other consenting adults with a child strapped on to your shield arm. It's not like the average person invites all of their friends over to watch a flick, or as you'd like to believe, McDonald's needs to put blocks on its wifi because kids are using the free internet to look at porn. Pardon my language, but who the f#*! goes to McDonald's to look at porn? Who on Earth do you know personally who has done this?!

And the porn industry isn't exactly innocent either. Have you all ever thought about advocating for the right of other men and women who wish to have sex for money and profit for themselves with the absence of a studio set, microphones, bright lights, and the guarantee of being exploited by a business? Some people would call these individuals prostitutes or harlots, so does this make the industry pimps? However, since you guys are paying two people instead of one person for sex, it's different. I guess we're all being exploited, however, the law seems to work in favor of those holding the coin purse (pun intended), so this way, there's also a loophole.

Anatomical Real Estate for Sale

               

https://www.gofundme.com/amedmullins

Have you ever dreamt of having a walking billboard advertisement, a unique canvas for your art, or campaign ads guaranteed to reach your target audiences? Well here's your opportunity to make this happen and support a worthy cause. I'm willing to tattoo anything (within reason) on my skin from the neck down to help cover my law school expenses until death do us part! Since this is permanent and law school isn't cheap, the price is $50,000 per piece, unless some generous donor would like to put an end to my desperation by giving $232,050.00 to cover 6 semesters of school expenses.

While I'm extremely grateful for my Merit Scholarship of 5k, I'm still a far cry away from 232k+ I need to pay for school (TJSL School Budget). To cut back on additional expenses, we've downsized to a one vehicle family household and started renting out rooms in our house. We've also completely eliminated the word "fun" from our vocabulary. A small, but notable sacrifice. I am literally selling body parts for education...does that put me in the same category as a prostitute? I'll let you be the judge! You can also simply donate to my GoFundMe campaign if you feel compelled to open your hearts (as well as your wallets) and don't wish to see me covered in advertisement graffiti. Every bit counts, so even if you can only give a dollar, I'm still one dollar closer than I was yesterday to paying off the biggest debt I'll accrue over my lifetime. At this point, I'm trapped in a never-ending, spiraling abyss of debt. Which also means I risk the potential possibility of being dropped from my degree program before I even finish!


I've continued working a full-time and part-time job to save toward my academic endeavors, but I'm afraid it still isn't enough. Not to mention, I've also applied to every scholarship known to man. It goes without saying, I obviously do not come from a privileged background. A  single mother raised me, and while she would love to help me and my partner during our time of great need, she simply does not have the financial means necessary to do so. I am the first in my family to graduate from college, POST (police academy), and now the first to ever go to law school as of fall 2016. I am constantly reminded of where I come from and how much farther I have to go: After living out of my car my junior semester of college while continuing to work a full-time job, I've done volunteer work for other displaced Nashville residents (e.g., writing résumés, developing job/interviewing skills, and job placement). My brief time as student teacher taught me that a lot of students needed just as much help oftentimes, if not more, at home or family court as they did at school.

As an attorney, I plan on continuing to advocate for impoverished people and education. However, I need the love, support, and kindness of strangers to help me achieve this goal. As the proverb goes, "It takes a village to raise a child, but life has also taught me that sometimes the villagers need help too". Please help me to become a positive romodel for children and other villagers in the struggle! Feel free to email me amulllins.stradivarius@gmail.com if you have any questions, concerns, ideas, or words of encouragement. 

150+ for a Bottled-water and Conversation

Yes. I'm talking consultation fees. Now that I've established I actually have a case, I've been looking diligently for an attorney. Sadly, I must state the latter has been more difficult. In a world where justice costs an exorbitant amount of money payable only by society's most affluent, it's needless to say I'm the kind of girl on a poverty budget. However, before all assumptions, conclusions, and other entries are submitted, understand this: I am an unmarried, college graduate without children and the only debt I have is a car payment. I work both a full time and part time job while attempting to complete and LSAT preparatory course at night.

Majority of my life seems to be struggle. Oftentimes, I fear life will be nothing but struggle and strife. Hope seems such a desolate thing that I've decided to give it up: Time to get sober. How can something intangible hurt so bad? My one life goal that would give meaning to my existence, and fulfill me seems so unobtainable. There is a deep void I am desperate to fill. I've attempted so many alternative routes, police academy being one of them. Due to the backlash and hostility following this pursuit, this is a career path that no longer interests me in the state of Utah. It would be impossible to trust any of the officers I would have to consider colleagues and no one can tell me that submitting over 54 applications in this state alone is simply just part of the initiation process. Something is very wrong with this picture and I do not intent to take this lying down. I won't stop until justice prevails. 

This will not be swept underneath the rug. Unfortunately, Utah has an extremely small legal community and I'm finding extremely difficult to find someone to take this case on contingency.  

The Plan II

So, Megan and I are going to purchase our first home! We've decided it would be an excellent long-term investment and help us transition into homesteading. We highly recommend Mary Olsen (realtor) if you're looking for a home in Salt Lake City or any of the surrounding areas. She's been in the real-estate business for over 17 years and will assist you in every aspect of the buying process. She will research the sellers, interview neighbors, and even show up with her own tools to help get the house ready for inspection.

A little bit about our home, sweet home: It's a charming (2700 sq. ft.) rambler built in 1961. 2 lovely, large fireplaces. It's very mid century modern and everything I could personally ever want in a home. The moment I pass through the door I feel as if I'm walking onto the set of Mad Men. We look forward to posting our renovation projects soon. Honestly, we don't plan on changing things too much b/c we don't want the house to lose the things that made us fall in love in the first place. We plan on adding central heat/air, updating the electrical, and remodeling the bathrooms/kitchen (era appropriately). 

The house also features a full walk-out basement and second kitchen we plan to rent as a source of extra monthly income. The bathroom down there needs a little work and we've been researching load-bearing v. support wall, leasing agreements, plumbing, tile shower installation, etc., so we are able to do most of the work ourselves. Plus, we feel that we'll learn valuable skills to use on the homestead. We hope to eventually build a hen house, greenhouse, and gain other valuable skills. We close next week and we hope to be settled in at the beginning of July. I promise to post plenty of pictures. Please send lots of positive vibes our way. 

How to Save Money & Make the Best Out of Your Smartphone

In today's world, it's not uncommon to see everyone within eyesight on a smartphone. These little handheld miracles are the reason no one bothers to get to know or "love thy neighbors anymore", make small talk in the checkout lines, etc. In fact, there's probably someone ahead of you holding up the queue right now because he/she refuses to get off the phone long enough to make a purchase and leave. They're omniscient  and for some, addicting. I'm not the one to tell people not to use smartphones because they are utilitarian. However, majority of people do not use them productively. I cannot count how many people simply pick up the their phones compulsively "just because", or when they feel "bored".

As I previously stated, I am not against the use of smartphones...I just feel like people can/should use them smarter.

Retail Apps: For some, shopping is considered an emergency. However, any reasonable human-being would agree that it isn't. I shop online, but I've deleted all of my retail apps in order to limit my acces to them and prevent impulse shopping. I know what you're thinking, "I'll just go online anyway". If you're that determined, sure you will. However, not having access to a vast amount of products with the "push of a button" will curtail a lot unnecessary purchasing. It also gives you time to think about purchases before pulling the trigger.

Social Media Apps: I get it. We all live in a concrete world, but everyone (except for a few of us) prefers an abstract, digital one. I've found it preferable to limit myself down to two social media apps. Constantly checking your Insta-face-tweet-snapchat can be distracting. Not to mention really annoying to the human-being physically sitting right next to you. I might be slightly bias, but I enjoy productive social exchange sites such as blogger. Yes, it can be used as a diary. OR, a blog can be used as a way to generate interest, share ideas, and collaborate with people outside your usual social circle.

Email/Email Apps: Set limits on how often you check email accounts each day. Because let's face it, 90% of your inbox is junk mail (e.g., advertisement, e-spam, unsolicited mass emails, etc.). So, how about limiting the amount of time spent checking this crap because time is money, to twice-a-day (three times max), instead every hour on the hour from shear boredom?

 

Gaming Apps: 

This list will continue to grow as I grow.